Monday, September 21, 2009

Enemies of the Feast: Strip-ed Sentinels, Part 1

Once a feast has reached its terminal velocity, the feaster, like brave Odysseus, embarks upon a glorious journey. Though the rewards are many, the feast is replete with its own maelstroms, monsters, and misleading temptations. Armed with knowledge of the perils and snares that lurk beyond the feasting Rubicon, a feaster is prepared to descend upon Rome to wreak havoc with his unrelenting revelry, unscathed by his enemies.

The Strip-ed Sentinels

Strip-ed sentinels are ubiquitous and can be both hazards and enemies of the feast. Their typical plumage is the vertically striped buttoned-down shirt accompanied by square-toed dress shoes and dark designer blue jeans. The shirt is most often left untucked, but tucked configurations have also been observed in the field. Flip-flops and sneakers have been spotted as well.


Strip-ed Sentinels assemble in a near monolithic mass in their chosen drinking establishment. Whether simply obstructing throughways or audaciously hassling feasters, the Strip-ed can rapidly become an infestation that lowers feasting potential. Their stripes act as a form of camouflage akin to the
dazzle paint of WWII ships. They do not completely blend into their environments, but it is nearly impossible to obtain a striped head count when they gather en masse to clumsily mill about. The Strip-ed tend to hold slightly more prominent positions in society than Afflicted Drones, and often seem to find ways to acquire money without a speck of aptitude or talent. They are society's seat fillers, serving as comforting examples to the hopelessly mediocre. They too can drink bud lites and red bull and be Professional Young Adults.

The Bro Life Cycle

Many have tried to understand the cause of this
phenomenon. Why has such a hybrid look become a default? Attempting to form a rationale will only frustrate and confuse a feaster, whose relentless reasoning will form a web that tangles the mind. Methinks somewhere in this logical black hole lie answers to some of the most profound theories and problems posed by physicists in our time. String theory. Dark Matter. Gravity Waves. Dancing with the Stars.

It is a look that attempts to say, "I want to dress up but I don't want people to think I'm uptight. I'm a totally chill dude who enjoys bars and clubs, but I also have a job and an elevated position in society. I'm a big boy too, see?". It only seems natural for a bro, upon college graduation, to transition to bars and clubs. In a truly tragic turn of events, there are virtually no more house parties. But where will he wear his cargo shorts? He must compete with a much larger pool of bros, so he must demote his leggings of compartmental utility to weekend daytime status only. Like a salmon swims upstream to spawn, the bro sets out on his journey motivated by his inner bro instincts. It's only natural.

But what is this new phase all about? No longer will his rudimentary knowledge of Dave Matthews-esque strummy acoustic guitar riffs garner attention and respect. He cannot even find comfort in his perfectly formed baseball cap with just the right amount of wear, perfectly cocked at a 27° offset from center and 17° angle of attack. Being chill is good and fun, but nowadays it's all about going places. Professional places. Prestigious places. Serious places. The sickest, most wickedly awesome, fingah bangin’ bitch filled places.

But what will this bro wear to attain such status? He wants to look nice, but as he is clueless he can only trusts brands that are proven. There's an Express for Men right next to the Hollister, right? "Sweet bro, I'll try that! If it's expensive it must be classy." It's all so dee-lightfully bourgeoisie.

Feast research is inconclusive concerning whether Sentinels fixate on stripes as a display of strength and virility or because they lazily follow the most common denominator. Whatever the case may be it is clear that the Strip-ed lack the judgment necessary to strategically coordinate and deploy an ensemble of any aesthetic distinction.

You see, it's not about a shirt by itself; it's about the Strip-ed look as a whole. One can look quite fetching in a striped shirt provided it's accompanied by appropriate accoutrement. Below is one such gentleman, noted feaster and wunderkind haberdasher Elias Baggywrinkle. One of the easiest ways to recognize a fellow feaster is by his dapper attire, devastating in its swashbuckling pulchritude.

The Strip-ed Among Us

This attire has become a default for many, so a striped shirt in most cases is harmless. So ubiquitous is this look that it is not uncommon for a feaster to be trapped in a social situation in which he must interact with a Strip-ed. Be it an old friend who mistakenly dons this wardrobe out of laziness, or a truly vacuous bro to the core, there are many mediums for this phenomenon. The lines are sometimes ambiguous. That is why a feaster must be weary and discerning, and take careful pains to make sure his acquaintances are at least sympathetic feastrels. For if they are not then he may be forced to hear such dribble as "I totally paid for my sushi bro! That's erroneous! Huh huh. Totally erroneous, get it? Huh Huh Huh. Erroneous."

You see, comments like the quote above are prosaic amongst Strip-ed Sentinels. As a corollary to his desire for prestige and acceptance, he experiences a commensurate desire for elocution. However, as he is unable to part with his aversion to appearing too intellectual (Everyone knows that nerds are total FAGS! LOL!) , he resorts to feigning humor while dropping the newest word he learned while reading a semi-enlightened treatise on male grooming in Maxim, FHM, or Cosmogirl (While his gf was peeing. It’s only faggy if she catches you. Besides, he totally did her in the butt to make up for his super lame foray into femininity.).

This will no doubt cast an awkward silence over the group and harsh a feaster's mellow seriously. The only course of action for the feaster following such harshing is the Antago-feast.

1 comment:

  1. “Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy.”
    Albert Einstein