Monday, September 21, 2009

Enemies of the Feast: Succubus, Part 1

Once a feast has reached its terminal velocity, the feaster, like brave Odysseus, embarks upon a glorious journey. Though the rewards are many, the feast is replete with its own maelstroms, monsters, and misleading temptations. Armed with knowledge of the perils and snares that lurk beyond the feasting Rubicon, a feaster is prepared to descend upon Rome to wreak havoc with his unrelenting revelry, unscathed by his enemies.

Understanding Succubus

Ah, Succubus...a name that conjures images of the delightfully devious she-demon of Christian mythology who exploits man’s lechery by seducing him in his sleep. Intriguing though she may be, she is not the succubus that imperils the feast (interestingly, the Christian succubus might actually abet the feast). The precise female to which I allude is not a creature of Satan, but a beast wrought by dark forces inimical to the feast—namely the need to control and bridle revelry. Deigning to embrace feastly joy, these oleaginous vixens prefer to trap the feaster and drain him of his sacred mojo until he is rendered a vacant-eyed husk.

Compounding Succubus's treachery is her ruthlessly effective social camouflage. By expertly concealing her true nature through brilliant Oscar-worthy performances (like Morgan Freeman, who can waltz on set, bearded and naked, and convince you that he is a chaste schoolgirl with his "don't-you-worry-I'll-fix-everything-with-my-honey-sweet-baritone-voice" delivery), she fools bands of feasters into thinking that she is a kindred spirit. Like a shrewd robber baron of romance, she knows that after her dues have been paid she can manipulate the feaster in whom she has invested her time, garnering monumental returns...by devouring his decrepit withering soul.



Upon infiltrating the feast, she will rapidly select a victim, just like her more cumbersome cousin Slobberchops. But unlike Slobberchops, who prefers to feed upon the weak, Succubus is a conqueror of the strong. She salivates lustfully at the prospect of an enervated feaster groveling desperately at her feet. She craves his cloying advances for the mere sake of viciously rejecting them with her cunty acerbity. The more lively and virile the feaster, the more she hungers for his feast mojo.

Ingeniously, she launches her insidious ploy by disarming a feaster's jovial cohorts with feigned merry-making and tomfoolery while simultaneously avoiding direct contact with her target. This method, first chronicled by noteworthy feastologist Jürgen Von Klaustenberg, allows the Succubus to become a subject of intrigue. From his celebrated study first published in Feasters Quarterly ("Predators of the Feast Savannah," p. 56, 1953):

"Since a feaster is naturally filled with curiosity, he is compelled to investigate his new-found companion. The unwitting query of Succubus, most likely the ruling panjandrum of the band, will request an audience with the alluring young maid to determine whether or not she is fit for his godly affections. What ensues is a delicate game of cat and mouse that can either culminate in the destruction of a feaster or the retreat of Succubus. For predators on the Feast Savannah, life is trying."

In a bid for his respect, Succubus will match the zeal of the panjandrum, often jeopardizing her own health in the process. She lacks a disposition amenable to the feast and cannot tolerate extended periods of revelry--both physical and intellectual. Since she draws her power from the despair of others, she weakens quickly in environments wherein she is forced to bask in the bright light of mirth. Yet the succubus will still cling to the panjandrum, driven by her bloodlust, her gleaming eyes filled with chicanery. If she does not manage to capture her objective in a timely fashion, she will be forced to relent for the sake of her own sanity, but she will not depart. Instead, she will target the next feaster in the hierarchy and begin her deceit anew.

After sequestering a feaster, she initiates the two part feeding ritual. First, she will gradually dismantle the feaster's aplomb for jollity by marinating his mind in a sea of petty psychological battles--favoring the infamous Vaginal Restriction Technique. Using her mirth canal and superior sexual abilities as a bargaining chip, she will efface the feaster's independence, causing him to acclimate to frequent submission. Another favorite tactic: capricious bouts of bitchiness that are often times tenuously justified by claiming "PMS." After several months of this torture, the feaster will sullenly bow to her demands, no matter how outrageous.

"But Honey, I told you that I had a really big project due in knitting class!" [Ed. note - In advanced cases of Succubus leeching, the former feaster will have adopted the emasculating habits that his impostor girlfriend has forced upon him--knitting being one. Not content to even allow him to enjoy the soul crushing habits into which she has mercilessly driven him, she will still force him to wait hand and foot. TOTAL DOMINATION!]

"Goddamnit, Bart. You are such a fucking girl sometimes. Knitting is for chicks. Now get in your beat down, sloppy jalopy of a car and pick me up from the gynecologist. Jesus! Maybe I should just get my gyno to drive me home....after all, he at least drives a respectable car: a Porsche. You wouldn't know about buying one of those because you aren't a doctor."

"But Honey--"

"I said NOW, BART!"

"Yes, Honey.....(sigh)" Click.

Second, once she is finished tenderizing his psyche, she will spread her black wings and let out a blood-curdling shriek, signaling that her prey will soon be eviscerated. The deeper he sinks into her tar pit of malice, the farther removed he is from the flaming torch of the feast. Trapped within the cloudy haze of her dominion, he can only hear muffled shadows of his companions’ vociferous complaints and admonitions. If he sinks too far, the battle will be lost and Succubus will have won a tasty treat. There is a point of no return at which Succubus enjoys unrivaled control of her former feaster turned puppet. Once a feaster has reached this point, Succubus, like a gluttonous spider, will suffocate him in a cocoon of perfidy and exsanguinate him with her sinister proboscis.



Once she has inhaled the feaster's mojo, he is useless to her. She abandons his desiccated shell and searches for another feaster to ruin.

Danger Signs

Proof that you are within the clutches of a Succubus:

YOU (meekly): "Ragnar and Zeus [obviously feasters] put together a foam party. I was thinking that maybe I might like to go. Do you think that there might be a chance you would be interested?"

HER: "Hmmm," she sighs tiredly.

YOU: "OK. Let's just go home, then. Maybe we can catch the new Kendra episode. Would your friends like to join us?"

If you are spending an inordinate amount of time with a seemingly fun girl, you should also be wary of the following statements:

"I'm getting, you know, like, tired of going out all the time. It is SO immature. Besides, you're always hung over and we can never go antiquing in the morning!"

"I thought we agreed that Friday was movie night," she says with a smirk after you mention your plans to go to a totally bitchin' Motörhead concert.

"I don't like your friend Ted. I think he is creepy and you should spend less time with him," she says, knowing the feast is strong with Ted.

"If you go pick up my dry cleaning, I will let you eat me out for as long as you want."

"You don't have any ambition. Why don't you become a doctor? Susie's boyfriend is a doctor and he makes $150,000 a year."

"You came too soon."

"I'm not getting burgers at 3 am. That is so college"

With her veritable Santa's Sack of evil tricks, Succubus is a formidable opponent of the feast. But like most parasites, she can be exterminated before making you into her personal smörgåsbord. In part two of this post, I will detail how Succubus can be vanquished. Deny that bitch her smörgåsbord!

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