Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Feast Hazards: Slobberchops

Once a feast has reached its terminal velocity, the feaster, like brave Odysseus, embarks upon a glorious journey. Though the rewards are many, the feast is replete with its own maelstroms, monsters, and misleading temptations. Armed with knowledge of the perils and snares that lurk beyond the feasting Rubicon, a feaster is prepared to descend upon Rome to wreak havoc with his unrelenting revelry, unscathed by his enemies.

The particular hazard I wish to address today is the predatory Slobberchops--a fattish feast demon that hosts an array of qualities similar to those of swamp dwelling carnivores. Most gentlemen with whom I am acquainted have, at some point, encountered this dastardly creature. Often times her attacks are sudden and violent, like those of a ravenous alligator, leaving the victim little time to react before being dragged to its muddy death. I myself have fallen prey to the insidious machinations of Slobberchops and, even as a seasoned feaster with years of experience under my belt, am still occasionally captured.

Slobberchops’s success is largely predicated upon the drunkenness of a given feaster. Just as the alligator hunts best in the marsh, Slobberchops flourishes in the everglades of alcohol. However, even in her natural environment her bulbous shape makes her movements ponderous. Because of her inherent clumsiness, she must patiently await the moment at which her prey will be so inebriated that escape is impossible. She lurks in the shadows of the night, stalking her prey and patiently waiting to strike. Once the feaster begins to stagger, Slobberchops lumbers towards him and leverages her heaving bosom, employing a tactic akin to that of the alligator snapping turtle, which lies in wait in the murky depths enticing hungry fish with its worm-like wiggling tongue. If sufficiently intoxicated, the feaster, like a minnow to a snapping turtle's vermiform appendage, will be drawn to her ample breasts and snapped up into her jiggling bingo wings. Once he is fully hypnotized by her shapely kleins, the feaster relents, allowing Slobberchops to feed upon his soul and thus taint the following day's afterglow with torturous feast anxiety.

In cases of dispute among two or more Slobberchops concerning a single incapacitated feaster, there is a negotiation ritual that takes place. Like dark matter, there has been no direct observation of such a phenomenon, but its existence can be inferred based on theoretical models. Though conflict remains among theorists, the Herfringder's Abacus principle is widely accepted. Popularized by noted 1920s feast philosopher Archibald T. Herfringder, the theory states that in the event of a dispute over prey the Slobberchops retreat to some sort of secret chamber or cave (based on early theories of subterranean habitation) to determine who among them will claim the crippled feaster, using an arcane and sacred calculation system passed down over eons. Dr. Herfringder reasoned that they possess a rare mathematical competency and thus compete amongst themselves in this regard. To quote the luminary (Herfringder, The Feast and Its Discontents, pp. 176, 1923):

"The Slobberchops no doubt have some sort of game--a high-stakes contest centered upon the use of some kind of evil abacus. Our team has recreated a typical endgame based on observation of Slobberchops interaction in the field. The victorious Slobberchops likely peers wryly with beady eyes at her vanquished opponent, grasps the final bead [Ed. note: possibly jelly beans] with her sausage like fingers and slowly slides it across the abacus. While contest particulars remain a mystery, the top prize of the challenge is both well-recorded and quantifiable. The triumphant Slobberchops rejoins the feast and is entitled to unbridled reign over the incapacitated feaster."

If the feast gods choose to bless you with a perfunctory moment of clarity in the midst of your liquor-fueled feast binge you may be able to recognize your precarious situation. In such an instance, you must capitalize on the momentary distraction caused by the haggling of the Slobberchops by slipping away quietly. If you are pursued, run in zig-zags. They hate that.

But Eleutherios! Can I escape Slobberchops once trapped in her blubbery death rolls?

If, in the course of your feasting voyages, you find yourself in the clutches of the treacherous Slobberchops, do not panic. Escape, though challenging, is still an option. A word of warning: once she has begun to seduce you, breaking her hypnotic, glandular spell will be immensely difficult. You MUST tear your eyes away from her frannies and focus intently on overcoming the desires of your eager loins. To successfully escape, you will need to employ a tactic similar to the one utilized by the unfortunate souls who are attacked by a similarly hefty beast: the bear.

Play dead. "Possuming" is an extremely effective counter to even the most vicious Slobberchops onslaughts, but you must be prepared for the mauling that will ensue. Angered by her foiled plans, Slobberchops will biliously paw at you, pugnaciously urging you to awaken and slake her insatiable lust. Stay calm. She will eventually grow weary and retire, leaving you free to take flight.

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