Monday, October 5, 2009

Allies of the Feast: Feastrels

The road to Shangri-La is wrought with hazards and villains to be avoided and slain. Slobberchops induces feast anxiety, Strip-eds harsh a feaster’s sacred mellow, Succubus desiccates a feaster’s soul, Afflicted Drones swarm a feast like locusts of the plague, but feastrels, eternal friends to feasters, enhance the feast.

A feastrel is one who is sympathetic to the feast but does not yet fully understand its nature. He is likely delighted by a feaster's antics, but is unable to harness the feast effectively and fears it might bring repercussions. Consequences? HA! Methinks I hear tawdry Dionysus chuckling nostalgically at the thought...

Feastrels are pliable. They comprise the feast sea and marvel at its waves. Like reeds in a river, they react passively but still contribute to the current as a whole. A feaster, like ebullient Poseidon rocking the seas, can excite the eager feastrels with his turbulent forces of mirth. A dutiful chorus, feastrels laud the heroic feaster as he bravely continues his scrumptiously naughty quest. Groupies to the rock stars of feast, the feastrels intermix freely with feasters, enocouraging feastrels to become feasters--even when the feastrels lack the natural talent.

The fledgling feastrel is an adorable creature. Count yourself lucky if you are privy to its earnest inquisitiveness. A young nubbin might inquire:

"If I wear this shirt does this mean I am a Strip-ed? But I like the color!" [There, there, young feastrel, stripes are perfectly dashing with the appropriate accoutrement.]

"I want to say 'Feast' more often, but I am not sure I am saying it right." [Now, now, practice makes perfect.]

"But if I tease her about her haircut, won't she just get mad at me? I want to get laid!" [Her hair makes her look like a dyke; it's polite to inform her.]

The Learning Ritual - Rite of Passage

Feasters take padawan feastrels under their wing, instructing through example. Typically, a confused Drone or Strip-ed will stumble upon the chamber of pleasures and be filled with an explosion of light and sound. Feasters wait proudly beyond the portal to glorious revelation. The young converts will find it difficult to shed their boorish dogma at the outset, but through persistent exposure to bountiful delights they will soon learn that there is treasure aplenty and doubloons for all.

Feastrels are sometimes hidden where they're least expected. If a dance floor is abandoned, merrily traipse to its center and broadcast a jubilant hip signal. It will be as clear as naval flags to the feastrel thirsting for such a dance-off. Arm your feast cannons and accelerate to ramming speed. Your hypnotizing thrusts and gyrations will give him the sign to unleash the flurry of dance moves he has been saving for just such an occasion. After wowing his cohorts with his moonwalk sequence and cabbage patch, he will be grateful for your unabashed purveyance of feast. Inform him that the only tribute necessary is his continued sprightly cheer, for he hath demonstrated a feaster's high feast-ichlorian count and is well on his way to Elysium should he trust his more princely instincts. It is a true feaster's merry nature to engender the feast in others, as it adds to his feast and the feast as a whole. Once a feastrel recognizes this task as a cheerful and lucrative errand, he becomes a feaster and his potential is limitless.

Remember: feastrels are hidden everywhere, and are veritable treasure factories waiting to be unlocked. The key to their access is the FEAST.

If you feel the feast is upon you, fear not! Harness the power and sweep up the feastrels in your path, and you shall be called Feaster! Boisterously guide, with your benevolent exultations, the doe-eyed feastrels.

Feastrels! Claim your prize!

No comments:

Post a Comment