Friday, October 2, 2009

Enemies of the Feast: Succubus, Part 2

Once a feast has reached its terminal velocity, the feaster, like brave Odysseus, embarks upon a glorious journey. Though the rewards are many, the feast is replete with its own maelstroms, monsters, and misleading temptations. Armed with knowledge of the perils and snares that lurk beyond the feasting Rubicon, a feaster is prepared to descend upon Rome to wreak havoc with his unrelenting revelry, unscathed by his enemies.

This is the second post in the Succubus Series. See: Part 1

Vanquishing Succubus

For eons, Succubus has been the scourge of the romantic landscape. Since the dawn of man, she has deviously hunted feasters and feastrels alike, draining their vigor with malevolent glee. Like a deranged Scrooge McDuck swimming in blood diamonds, she splashes most joyfully in a sea of cadaverous, grey-eyed victims. A feaster under fire has little recourse but to engage in mortal combat with the paranormal vixen. In their infinite wisdom, the elders of the antediluvian Synod of Feast recognized this threat and invented tactics designed to thwart and, in many instances, destroy the scheming harridan.



The ancients carefully explain that Succubus can be vanquished by two methods. The first, and most common, is often utilized once a feaster is already entangled in her Machiavellian web. The second is employed by feasters who delight in the hunt, and will be outlined in a future chapter.

The First Tactic - Avoidetensium Feastius Terminatiensis

In the early stages of her attack, Succubus prefers to use temptation and guile instead of force. Usually she will not become a rapacious bitch until your virility and self-esteem have been substantially effaced. But, once she has inhaled your mojo and holds dominion over your mind, your window of opportunity has passed. Your only hope for salvation rests with your fellow feasters, who, if she has performed her work dexterously, will be unconcerned with your whereabouts and know you as nothing more than a fading memory and a fallen feaster. It is imperative that you recognize your predicament before such a stage is reached.

Because of her proclivity for temptation, Succubus will encourage you to feast upon her Lotus constantly. Do not be fooled. You are merely eating, not feasting. Though superficially she may seem like another one of the many lustful women who simply have an unquenchable thirst for degrading sex, Succubus's intentions are deeper and horrifically insidious. She perniciously capitalizes upon the trust of a new relationship, especially when it is lubricated with copious, deviant, and novel intercourse. A bit of self-awareness during this period can rescue your soul from certain doom as it teeters o'er her gaping rancid maw.



Once she feels that her emotional connection to you is strong, she will begin to quietly chip away at your independence. Respond by allowing her to believe she has control. Let her grow accustomed to your placid submission. And then, while she is drunk with arrogance and power, ignore one of her demands. Instead of passively meeting her and her harem of wenches for non-fat chai latte's at Starbucks, treat yourself to an evening of carousing with your fellow feasters. They will be delighted to hear of your countermeasures and will treat you to sumptuous libations--Goldschl├Ąger and Everclear are sure to make appearances. Indubitably, they will sing your praises to numerous Doxies and Slatterns. Slay one of these sprightly creatures and see that your Succubus learns of your tawdry transgression.

Shattering her ego with your Hammer of Thor will break her. Most Succubae will let you loose if you are impervious to their machinations, but there are a few who will persist, albeit halfheartedly. Simply continue your pattern of counter-manipulation. She will eventually starve for lack of soul meat and leave you to search for another feaster.

Remember: A vile puckish she-gargoyle deserves no quarter.

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