Monday, October 5, 2009

Feasters at Work: The Mellow, an Introduction

For most feasters, there comes a time when gainful employment -- however undignified it may be -- is necessitated by the costs of gastronomical orgies and lascivious soirées. Barring a few notable exceptions, the feaster will have to come to terms with the soul-crushing, fluorescently lit, inane e-mail littered reality that is the wasteland of his job. In order to endure work, a feaster must devise several strategies that enable him to float through his day with as little harshing of his hallowed Mellow as possible. Countless puffertoads, gossip queens, fussbudgets, nosey parkers, mother hens, buttinskies, priggish flunkies, brownnosers, and eager beavers threaten the peaceful seclusion of your cubicle; and evasive maneuvers are often required to scuttle the adversaries of your stygian office.

Maintaining his work place charade is of paramount importance, for monetary acquisition is the sole purpose of a feaster's labor. Termination, though physically liberating, would nuke his financial resources and bring his adventurous debauchery to a grinding halt. To make matters worse, feasters lack a simpleton's proletarian disposition and therefore find 8.5 hours of daily labor to be morally, intellectually, and physically repugnant. The only way to ford this river of disgrace is with a carefully guarded, well formed Mellow.

Unfortunately for feasters, the sacred Mellow is the primary sustenance of office poobahs, who prowl hallways for feasters with vibrant Mellows. When such a feaster is identified, the poobah plucks his gleelaxics gland and, in a process known as harshing, subjects the gland to an antiquated, but extremely effective press, in which the gleelaxics is crushed, squeezed, and filtered to produce invaluable Mellow Oil. The first run through the press produces the finest grade oil. This preliminary oil can be classified as Grade A Extra Fancy, Extra Fancy, or Fancy depending on the size and vigor of the feasters mellow, the length of gleelaxics removed, and the harshness with which it was extracted. Grade A Extra Fancy Mellow Oil is an emollient, luxurious substance and is a rare and highly prized delicacy over which many a spindly-fingered, greedy poobah can be seen squabbling.

The poobah's demonic Mellow press used to crush gleelaxics glands and bleed them dry

But woe to the poobah who cannot acquire the precious salve. In such instances, the poobahs, like crack fiends, resort to running the dregs of the gleelaxics paste from the first binge, resulting in a much less savory product. Desperate poobahs have even had to resort to five or six extractions, requiring the use of chemical solvents such as hexane and ether to extract the necessary Mellow. Such oil is merely last-resort sustenance for poobahs, and they will always pluck a fresh gleelaxics given the opportunity.

Chemical composition of Mellow

Luckily for feastkind, the gleelaxics is regenerative, and a seasoned feaster replenishes his gleelaxics with Mellow using various techniques. The unipotency of gleelaxocytes give the gland the remarkable ability to fully regenerate under amenable conditions, as long as more than 10% of the organ remain intact. Case studies involving the removal of greater than 90% of the gleelaxics have been disastrous. Poobahs -- the body snatching assholes -- are well studied on the organ's qualities and will loiter around highly regenerative Mellow in order to harsh it once it fully ripens [1]. Clever feasters must not only know how to regenerate their Mellows rapidly, but also be able to hide them from lurking, covetous poobahs. As George Costanza has demonstrated, poobahs, though ravenous, are also dim-witted and foolish and can be bamboozled by theatrical displays and clever distractions.

A bevy of feasters engaging in systematic Mellow regeneration

During a feaster's necessary pecuniary pursuits, a cultivated Mellow is his lifeline to the Feast, and a tenuous link it is. Feasters ripening a hearty Mellow must be acutely aware of the harshing strategies and desires of the circling toadies. Without firmly constituted Mellow, one can lose his ability to feast when the day is over, which is the first step down the callous path to a thankless job filled with business suits, Blackberries, and Lotus Notes and completely devoid of the commonly associated cocaine, hookers, and perfunctory jubilance. That is the way of the poobah, not the feaster.

[1] Overzealous poobahs who pluck a gleelaxics prematurely will find themselves with, at most, Fancy grade Mellow, resulting in an overly harshed feaster and an unsatiated poobah -- hardly a symbiotic relationship!

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