Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Marvin Gaye, Hugh Hefner, Don Draper, and Burt Reynolds. These legendary men share something more than fame. Each one of them has been a panjandrum of feast.

Enter Panjandrum
Panjandrum status is a fluid state through which the most prolific feasters travel. In this panjandromic state, Panjandrums conjure epic feasts at will and command armies of loyal feasters on the saturnalian battlegournd. There are three levels of panjandrums: Jolly Panjandrum; Panjandrum, Livid; and Jolly Panjandrum, Livid. Transformations are spontaneous and rhapsodic, bathing all bystanders in ethereal regality, yet the sacred metamorphosis is but a transient delectation. Though it may transpire copiously throughout a feaster's life, Panjandromia is oft as elusive as it is capricious. Even the most adept feasters have encountered profound obstacles to preserving the intoxicating glow for more than a paltry few hours. Yet hope persists. Bad-boy feastologist Cardovan Cantrinellini has unearthed evidence suggesting that Panjandromia can be maintained indefinitely. In his latest dig, Cantrinellini unearthed an-cient scrolls that were likely written by a nubbin feastrel scribe at the First Synod of Feast. Though incomplete, the runic texts detail an archaic, promethean technique that may offer the keys to Elysium.

Jolly Panjandrum
The most basic of panjandrum statuses, Jolly Panjandrums are easily identified. Their raucous euphoria is contagious and magnetic. Like a sun of unadulterated jubilance, their cheer obliterates stormy dispositions lurking within shadows of sundry taverns, cubicles, and homesteads. So strong is their feast influence that even surly Strip-eds and cantankerous Drones cannot resist the call. 'Tis quite a sight to witness intransigent enemies of feast succumbing to the heavenly blast of the stentorian horn.

[Ed. Note - An artists rendering of A Christmas Carol, this is a depiction of what a Jolly Panjandrum tending to a nubbin feastrel resembles. Feasters, however, do not and will never subscribe to the insidious collectivist agenda of Charles Dickens.]

Panjandrum, Livid

Unlike his jovial counterpart, the Panjandrum, Livid is a anachronistic tank tearing across a prehistoric battlefield. Like naughty Ares, he goads feast opponents into vigorous bouts of antagofeasting. A relentless force of wit and ribaldry, he lays waste to spiteful teetotalers and reluctant ninnies. His revelry is unparalleled as he, a mischievous tornado, wreaks havoc upon the unwitting. But, despite his bellicose nature, he shares the magnetism of his jollier compatriot. Droves of Doxies and Slatterns are powerless once trapped by his planetary gravity. After all, assholes are notoriously successful with the womenfolk.

Jolly Panjandrum, Livid

There is no greater feast beacon than the Jolly Panjandrum, Livid. He is the unassailable lord of the feast domain. Lesser feasters, mere vassals in his kingdom, are drawn to his unquestionable power and glory. This is the rarest form of panjandrum. Perhaps the most famous of these chosen few was Archimedes Malsooktomian, hero of the Great Strip-ed Wars of the 700s, who led a thousand strong feastrel army against the invading hordes of infamous Strip-ed war lord Chad "Bro Chill!" Thompson.

"I will suffocate the unwilling with my tentacular beard. Drinks all around!"

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