Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Wench Wednesday: A Slattern Attacks

The triumvirate's harem of slatterns has been getting quite upset about their lack of representation on Feast Ethos. So in the interest of gender equity, we present Wench Wednesdays. Each "hump day," one of our Doxies will present a guest post about issues important to the womenfolk.

In this installment, a feast disciple emailed us the angry complaints of a vicious slattern. Keep reading to see his response to her attempt to excoriate him.

Her attack:
I can't send you a message for some reason, but i want you to go fuck yourself. you have absolutely NO idea who the fuck i am. and your fucking track record with Trey and trying to steal all his girlfriends is absolutely ridiculous. you literally have never spoken a word to me, in person, on the computer, on the phone. NEVER. i need you to shut your fucking mouth about "me wanting Trey’s dong" because you literally are talking out of your asshole. just because you personally know Trey’s girlfriend, does not mean that you can randomly say this untrue bullshit about me who you LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW. sorry but i don't like when people chat on the phone at my house for like 30 minutes, it has nothing to do with him being on the phone with Rose. you are a fucking moron, shut your mouth.

My response:
You're quite the vapid slattern. It would seem your capacity for chicanery is only surpassed by your convoluted prose. As a Dionysian feaster of the highest rank (a Jolly Panjandrum, Livid), I cannot let your insinuations go uncontested, even though your diction clearly indicates you are not worthy of the luminous ecstasy of my reason boner. So like a feastrel scribe of old, allow yourself to ruminate whilst I underscore your slobberchopaic tendencies. Although I am reluctant to proffer my wisdom, I shall do so in order to save you from your own perfidy.

Though you have made assertions to the contrary, I assure you that the impressively eloquent discourse to which I am treating you does not "literally" spring from my kraken’s maw – or as you might call it, albeit childishly: the asshole. How ghastly and provincial!

Like a gluttonous, obese child squabbling over the last jelly bean, your confrontation with Rose over Trey clearly illustrates your ravenous, NAY insatiable, hunger to imbibe his manhood (seeing as how you've parsimoniously guarded and gobbled his ambrosia many times before and still remain unquenched). As to our lack of acquaintance, whilst this fact is true, I do possess the knowledge that like a modern-day Babylonian whore, you have allowed Trey to ravage your wares at his convenience. So whilst I have not known you, biblically or otherwise, your nefarious reputation precedes you. Ensuite, your succubaic nature coupled with your spurning of Rose’s olive branch of friendship, rationally leads to my astute conclusion.

In hopes that no other fine feastrels fall prey to your wares, I shall take the liberty of posting this dialogue on your facebook wall for all to see, for it is the duty of every Jolly Panjandrum to guard his fellow feasters from the cunty whims of an entitled she-demon.

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